There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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