Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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