oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
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