he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
