Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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