i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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