she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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