Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
