my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
