Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
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