Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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