i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
