I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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