the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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