just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
