Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
