just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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