this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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