I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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