forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
