capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
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Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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