As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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