I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
