the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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