I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
