he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
