i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
