Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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