hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
In other news, I just burned my penis
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Randomize
