U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
