Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
