What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
