so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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