i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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