omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
