Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
