Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
