woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
