i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
