I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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