Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
