It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
