I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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