I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
