im drinking this country out of the recession.
Michael Bay diarrhea
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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