I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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