I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
