and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
