i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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