did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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