Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
