I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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