My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
