and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
